I'm Okay But Not Okay
Today was just one of those days.
A day where I felt empty like I had no emotions, yet so many emotions. It's like I was sad, but I knew I had no reason to be sad. And I don't even know if I'd describe it as being sad, but more of a I'm okay but not okay type of thing. It doesn't make sense, does it? That's how my brain works.
I confuse myself a lot. There are many things I feel contradicted on, hence the conflicted contradiction part of me. One thing I've never been able to understand is how my heart aches and misses parts of my life that have hurt me. It's really a crazy concept that I can miss something that hurt me so, so bad. I don't know if that's what addiction is like, but maybe it's close.
There are good days where I know my worth and know exactly what I want. But, then there are the hard days, like today. The days where it doesn't make any sense. The days where I just want that feeling back, I just want that comfort. But, I know I can't and I know it's bad and I know it would do me absolutely no good.. But I still can't shake the feeling in that moment.
It's something I've never understood about myself. Most people can hate someone and never think twice about it. Me? I can hate someone and be mad for a little while, but there is something deep down inside me that automatically forgives. It's a subconscious part of me that just lets things go like their re-enrollment has happened and there's a clean slate. I don't even get it.
I wish there were somethings I could not forgive. I've been hurt and while it doesn't make sense, it's just the little voice inside my head that tells me to let it go. I think if I could be mad at people forever I wouldn't miss them, I wouldn't crave those certain feelings. But I can't be mad forever. So I do miss people and things and moments. My heart aches for things I shouldn't have.
I think with the type of person I am, I live for certain feelings. Certain moments. It's difficult knowing there are so many I can never get back, most that will never be replicated. The only close feeling I can get is when I hear a certain song, the weather is just right, and it takes me back to that exact moment and I can feel the past in my soul. If that's a thing. I want to grasp and never let go of certain moments although I can feel them slipping out of my control.
I know that I'll go to sleep and when I wake up I'll be over the way I feel. I know I'll be better than the day before and I'll remember why things are the way they are.
But some days I wish I could just live in old moments a little longer. Appreciate them. Feel them. Remember them. I think it's okay to miss something that hurt you. I think it's okay to feel all of the feelings.
We just have to remember that something that broke us, is also something that will never be able to fix us.
Until next time.
A day where I felt empty like I had no emotions, yet so many emotions. It's like I was sad, but I knew I had no reason to be sad. And I don't even know if I'd describe it as being sad, but more of a I'm okay but not okay type of thing. It doesn't make sense, does it? That's how my brain works.
I confuse myself a lot. There are many things I feel contradicted on, hence the conflicted contradiction part of me. One thing I've never been able to understand is how my heart aches and misses parts of my life that have hurt me. It's really a crazy concept that I can miss something that hurt me so, so bad. I don't know if that's what addiction is like, but maybe it's close.
There are good days where I know my worth and know exactly what I want. But, then there are the hard days, like today. The days where it doesn't make any sense. The days where I just want that feeling back, I just want that comfort. But, I know I can't and I know it's bad and I know it would do me absolutely no good.. But I still can't shake the feeling in that moment.
It's something I've never understood about myself. Most people can hate someone and never think twice about it. Me? I can hate someone and be mad for a little while, but there is something deep down inside me that automatically forgives. It's a subconscious part of me that just lets things go like their re-enrollment has happened and there's a clean slate. I don't even get it.
I wish there were somethings I could not forgive. I've been hurt and while it doesn't make sense, it's just the little voice inside my head that tells me to let it go. I think if I could be mad at people forever I wouldn't miss them, I wouldn't crave those certain feelings. But I can't be mad forever. So I do miss people and things and moments. My heart aches for things I shouldn't have.
I think with the type of person I am, I live for certain feelings. Certain moments. It's difficult knowing there are so many I can never get back, most that will never be replicated. The only close feeling I can get is when I hear a certain song, the weather is just right, and it takes me back to that exact moment and I can feel the past in my soul. If that's a thing. I want to grasp and never let go of certain moments although I can feel them slipping out of my control.
I know that I'll go to sleep and when I wake up I'll be over the way I feel. I know I'll be better than the day before and I'll remember why things are the way they are.
But some days I wish I could just live in old moments a little longer. Appreciate them. Feel them. Remember them. I think it's okay to miss something that hurt you. I think it's okay to feel all of the feelings.
We just have to remember that something that broke us, is also something that will never be able to fix us.
Until next time.
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