Opening Up About My Depression With Pregnancy

 March 7th 2020 changed my life forever. It feels like a distant memory, yet I remember it all too well. It's kind of weird how it happened. I had no signs or symptoms to believe that I was pregnant. Knowing I was going to Florida soon and had just started birth control, I thought I'd take a test. I didn't even think twice about it.

*cue my heart breaking*

Devastated. I was absolutely devastated. I had never experienced a moment like that in my life. Right now, I can truthfully say it was almost as painful as hearing about my grandpa passing away. I lost my shit. 

Instantly, I fell to my knees in hysterics. I broke out in hives and was hyperventilating. In that exact moment, I really thought my life was over. I hated myself. How could I be so stupid? I did not want this.

That was the loneliest day of my life. I was terrified to tell anyone, except Nathan. My life certainly felt over, but he seemed fine. I ended up getting 2 more tests that day and praying they would say negative. Nope. I saw my sister that day to take back the car I was test driving and I remember wanting so desperately to beg her for help, but I couldn’t fathom someone else knowing when I couldn’t wrap my mind around it. 

I stayed silent. I remember telling 1 friend who lived somewhere else so she wasn’t connected to my world where she could tell people. I was so careful. Telling my parents was prob another top notch scary moment. But once I opened up, I felt a lot of comfort. Everyone was so kind and loving.

Still confused and devastated, though. I went through the worst depression of my life. I thought about all of my choices and heavily weighed them. I remember writing a pros and cons list to keeping a baby. I went to Choices (a pregnancy center for women to educate them on their options and provide resources no matter the decision). I didn’t see much on the ultrasound, but I saw a heart beat. Was I emotional? No. Was I connected & in love? No. Did I know what would be best for me? No.

At this point, I had contemplated my choices so long that I knew I had no other option. I’m going to have a baby. 

Moving out of my comfort zone deepened my depression. I was miserable and crying daily. I felt out of place. Nothing was exciting to me because none of it was my choice, in my eyes.

Now, it wasn’t all horrible and negative. 

Finding out my baby was a girl was the FIRST time I had felt some small piece of excitement. 

I enjoyed dressing cute, showing off my belly, being cared about by everyone, and sharing updates.

Unfortunately, unless we were close, you would’ve never known the extreme disconnect and disassociation I experienced with pregnancy. I knew I was pregnant, I knew there was a baby in me. But it did not feel real. Yeah, I felt movement and saw it. I watched my belly grow. I experienced an ultrasound. But none of it processed or registered to me. I was on auto-pilot going through the motions.

I did look forward to appointments because they made me feel important. And before I knew it, it was time to get induced. 

Our birthday comes! I was induced into labor at 38 weeks. I was about to meet this baby that didn’t feel real to me. I literally felt like I was there for an operation and it was just a standard procedure. Nothing, and I mean, nothing… made it real until I laid eyes on Parker for the very first time. 

I instantly bawled. But, I had no idea why. I feel like I was in pure shock. How did that come out of me? That’s a real baby? Woah her eyebrows are purple! (Lol)

Was it love at first sight? Unfortunately, no it wasn’t for me. I do believe part of it was due to the fact that I didn’t want a baby. It wasn’t in my plan. None of this was my plan.

I will never forget looking at her and questioning how anyone loves their baby when they first see them and hold them. Of course, I didn’t tell anyone this. I felt so much shame for having such negative feelings. I’ve grown to be confident in knowing it’s okay that I felt this way and that it is more normal than we think.

The days after birth are a blur to me. I only vividly remember 2 things. One, keeping my tears held inside while I tried to learn and care for my new baby completely on my own with less than an hour of sleep in 24 hours. Then, unleashing my breakdown and every tear once we left. And two, wanting to ask my mom for help so badly but feeling like this is my responsibility so I can’t. I needed help immensely but didn’t know how to ask. Nathan had never been around babies and didn’t have the knowledge or experience like I did. No amount of experience prepares you for doing it yourself, though. 

I am now able to look back and remind myself that he was scared and didn’t know what he was doing. He was a great help for me, but when it came to Parker he was kind of lost. I appreciated what he did for me, but I so badly wanted someone else to help her. I breastfed, which really put a wedge between anyone else being able to help her, get up in the night with her, soothe her, etc. For a long time, I resented him. This also, was not how I pictured things to go.

Again, I had never felt so alone in my life. I knew how loved and cared for I was. But my depression was such a deep, dark cloud that I was suffering in. You wouldn’t have really known though. I’m always a smiley person, despite how I feel inside. I really think feeling this way made me feel alone because no one around me other than my sister had seemed to experience something like this.

Learning how to care for a new baby you didn’t want all while learning how to care for yourself and navigate your new life is fudging hard. 

I think one of the biggest things that contributed to my depression was grieving my old life and trying to accept change. Independence and freedom were so important to me. I was very selfish. This was so, so hard to let go of. I really did lose myself through this entire process. Once she was born, I really didn’t recognize myself anymore. I grieved who I used to be deeply. 

Once I was able to control my mindset and perspective more, I was able to let go of what I thought my life should be. I knew I had to let go and accept what my life would be now so that I would be okay. And I can now say, I am okay. 

I do want you to know this, though. As time went on, I truly fell in love with Parker. Each day, each passing month, I grew so in love with her. To be honest, that feeling has never stopped. I get emotional typing this right now. She is now 1.5 years old, and I fully understand why life didn’t go according to my plan. 

I know, I get it. Everyone says this! But it’s so true. Everything happens for a reason. I needed her when I didn’t know I did. Looking back, I wouldn’t have pictured myself here today. I am so thankful. It’s funny how on my dark days now, she is the light. She is literally everything to me. She makes me want to be a better person.

Now to re-cap a bit, I don’t remember a point where things just felt better? Where the depression lifted. I really can’t pinpoint it. I just know what helped me: playing music, cleaning, cooking, getting out of the house, having plans/events to look forward to, talking, yoga, writing, etc.. Maybe — I somewhere along the way accepted that this is where I was meant to be. It became more real and apart of my daily life. I started to connect with her and grow our relationship and bond.

I want to put an emphasis on self-care here! Working on taking care of myself was a conscious effort that turned a leaf in my new journey and helped heal my grief and depression. I started to work on my new identity by fitting in time for myself every day to do something that made me feel good. I started dressing in ways that made me feel better. I started doing yoga. I started meal prepping again. I started prioritizing myself more. I started making TikTok’s - so fun for me!

“You cannot pour from an empty cup.”

If you ever felt this way, or currently feel this way, I see you. I am here for you with no judgement. You are not alone. You’re not messed up or crazy. This was/is scary. It’s okay to feel the way that you do. If there is anything I can do to help, please don’t hesitate to reach out to me. Just know, it does get better — Someway, somehow. ❤️

Much love and respect, 

Mikayla