The First Heartbreak

The first heartbreak. Man oh man. 

This is a topic I've wanted to talk about for a really long time because it's something I know many people could benefit to hear from. Most of us in our lifetime will experience heartbreak, I mean come on -- we're humans. However, I want to start by saying that the first person to ever break my heart is someone I'm actually, now, very grateful for. I think he really is a good person and I do care about his well being and happiness. If you're looking for me to bash him, you're not going to find that here. I want to share how I got from point A to B, and from C to Z.

Let's start from the beginning.

It was your typical high school sweetheart thing. I was the freshman cheerleader, he was the senior football player. I actually never realized how cliche that was until just now. Anyway, it wasn't even something I was looking for, it just happened. In a short amount of time I realized just how much I loved this person. I would do anything and everything under the sun for him. He made me feel a way I had never felt before in my life. It wasn't even who he was that had me locked in, it was the connection I felt.

Connections are everything.

If there is no connection, well that would be pretty cut and dry. In my eyes, it was like the love in the movies. That's what I experienced. He wasn't just my boyfriend, he was without a doubt my best friend. It was totally a lay on a blanket and look up at the stars, kiss in the rain, play jokes on each other, let me try to stick my finger up your butt because it makes you freak out, and just be 100% ourselves with each other -- type of love. He saw me in ways & I saw him in ways that still to this day, I've not experienced with another person. 

But it wasn't all good.

It was really hard. We fought a lot. We didn't see eye-to-eye. We had completely different values and different plans for what our lives were going to look like. We approached a long distance relationship and that changed everything. I remember just sitting down and crying together, both of us hurt, and sharing that extremely heart shattering moment together -- it was over.

But, not for long.

We were off and on so many times I lost track. If he wanted me back, I didn't even hesitate. I loved this person so much that in my eyes nothing else mattered unless I had him. While I may not have been happy a lot of the time, the little moments of happiness triumphed everything else. I was happy to simply have him. It was completely worth it. It was a continuous cycle of leaving and coming back. There were even times where he'd date someone else for a long time and then come back to me. I don't know how I did it, but somehow that person meant so much to me that nothing else mattered. I can't emphasize that enough, that person I put above myself. I fought for him because I wanted to chose him every day.

I was devastated.

The first break up was probably the worst, and I was hurt for a long time. I never thought I would get over him. I never thought anyone else was meant for me. I never thought I was going to see better days because I didn't have him. How was I supposed to move on when I envisioned my entire life with this person? I didn't want to. It wasn't ever my choice. I truly believed he was my person, I just wasn't his.

He was the love of my life, or so I thought.

We went through the off & on cycle a couple times, majority of the times very privately. Obviously our friends and some family knew, but not the world. Now, every time we broke up, it was never once my choice until, the very last time. After this went on for a few years, I finally had enough. I was simply emotionally drained. It was finally the moment my life changed. I started to recognize what was happening. I started to see in bold signs: people don't change. I finally realized, this is just what we do. It always ends the same way. 

I broke up with him for the first and last time.

There comes a point where it finally just hits you. I can't tell you this comes easy, quickly, or naturally because it doesn't. Obviously, I kept running back to what broke me time and time again -- for years. But, one day it just clicked for me. I noticed the pattern of what was happening, I knew I wasn't being treated the way I deserved. You know when your friends tell you to leave and get out and you don't listen and the same thing happens again? It's not until YOU finally get fed up will you leave. You will hit your breaking point. It may take a long time, but it happens.

Looking back,

I never thought I'd be where I am today. In those days, in those hard times where I lost the person I was in love with, I never saw it ending. I literally thought that I was screwed for life. I believed I would NEVER get over him. I remember driving two years ago and crying because I believed he had messed everything up for me. I can't love anyone. I'm damaged. I can't find a connection with anyone else. That was my once in a lifetime love and now I'm going to be forever alone. I started to accept that it just wasn't something I was going to have twice. 

The last time I did this,

It was a moment in my life where I started to see the potential I had. I started to realize how important I was and how important it was for me to be happy. I promised myself that this time it's going to be different. This is where I ran with the idea of self-care and being selfish, it was finally my time to find me and to love me. I promised myself that I would work on bettering myself and I have done just that.

How did I do it?

Well, I made the conscious effort to love myself. I started exercising, making healthier choices, I was dappling in post-high school education, I was growing. I invested in myself. TIME is the most important ingredient to the healing process. You need time to heal. It doesn't happen overnight. Stay busy. Occupy your mind. Listen to podcasts (I wrote to one a good while back and had an episode dedicated to me over this topic - so freaking cool)! Go for walks. Eat at a restaurant by yourself. Connect with nature. Talk to someone. Read a book. Go dancing. Search for your spirituality. Find what brings you joy. Write your thoughts down with a pen and paper. Try dating other people. Travel. 

Today,

I can officially, undoubtedly, 100% wholeheartedly say I'm over him. I can't say when I realized it, but one day it hit me. Holy shit, it's crazy. Looking back I never thought I'd get here. This entire blog feels so condensed and like I could say so much more, but it truly took me a long time to get here. The entire experience helped shape and push me into the person I am today. I'm honestly grateful it happened and I'm grateful it happened when it did because I wouldn't be in the same place I am today. If I ended up with this person, I would've followed someone else's dreams, I would've chased them wherever they went, and I know with every fiber in my being that I would not be the strong woman I am today. I don't regret one thing about it because it taught me well. 

While I'm writing this,

I feel so disconnected and distant from it all. It's honestly hard for me to even remember details. I've come such a long way and it honestly makes me shocked, but so proud. I thought in those moments of awful heart-wrenching pain that it was the worst thing of my life. I was wrong, it wasn't the worst. I can think of a handful of things that tops that. I believe my heart being broken by the first person I was in-love with was my biggest lesson to this day. If I can get to this place - you will too. Patience babe.

If you take anything from this:

I see you. I feel you. I get it. It feels impossible. It feels like you will never get over it, but you WILL, if you let yourself. Stay patient. Love yourself. Take care of yourself. Let it grow you. Let it teach you. Let it motivate you. Don't be scared. Don't doubt. And most importantly, let it go. As Karlie Gates once said, "everything is fine as frog hair."

The best is yet to come,

Mikayla

"You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand." John 13:7